“This time, He’s not coming for a foot-washing — He’s coming for blood,” pastor declares.

DALLAS, TX — Pastor Robert Jeffress, leader of First Baptist Dallas and spiritual advisor to former President Trump, announced on Sunday a bold new interpretation of the Second Coming of Christ: less grace, more capital punishment.

Speaking to a packed congregation waving miniature American flags, Jeffress unveiled his new sermon series, Blessed Are the Executioners: Preparing for the Sword-Wielding Jesus.

“The first time Jesus came, it was mercy, mercy, mercy,” Jeffress said. “Foot washing, forgiving prostitutes, healing lepers — honestly, kind of soft.”
“But the next time? Oh friends, the next time He’s bringing the sword of government justice!“

Jeffress praised Attorney General Pam Bondi’s recent push for the death penalty against Luigi Mangione as “setting the tone” for the coming Kingdom.

“When Christ returns, he won’t be hanging out with tax collectors and sinners — he’ll be signing death warrants with them!” Jeffress declared to thunderous applause.

New Scriptural Insights

Jeffress cited “fresh readings” of key biblical texts, explaining that passages like Romans 13 (“the government bears the sword”) were not meant figuratively — they were “strategic spoilers” for Jesus’ End Times strategy.

According to Jeffress, upcoming sermons will include:

• “Woe to Those Who Forget the Sword” (Matthew 5, But Meaner Version)
• “Render Unto Caesar, Then Execute Like Caesar”
• “Depart From Me, Ye Who Oppose State Sanctioned Violence”

A promotional poster for the series features a robed Christ wielding a flaming broadsword above a crumbling Supreme Court building, with the tagline: “Mercy is for the weak.”

Critics Push Back

Not everyone was convinced by Jeffress’ rebrand of Jesus.

Reverend Angela Marks of All Saints United Church called the new theology “creative but heretical.”

“If Jesus was planning a second coming filled with mass executions, you’d think He might have mentioned it during the whole Sermon on the Mount thing,” Marks said. “Or, you know, while literally getting executed by the state.”

An anonymous SBC insider described Jeffress’ vision simply:

“It’s like the Beatitudes, but if they were written by Judge Dredd.”

Jeffress Remains Undeterred

In an interview with The Virtue Signal, Jeffress doubled down.

“Jesus’ return will be glorious, and by glorious, I mean lethal. If you’re not excited about militarized forgiveness, you’re not reading your Bible closely enough.”

When asked how this reconciles with Christ’s teachings on loving enemies, Jeffress smiled.

“Love your enemies… after they’ve been properly processed through the judicial system.”