HEARD ISLAND, ANTARCTICA REGION — In a stunning escalation of global economic chaos, penguins from the remote Heard Island and McDonald Islands have convened an emergency summit after learning they are now subject to U.S. tariffs.
The move, announced from the Rose Garden by President Trump on Wednesday, sent shockwaves through the avian community, many of whom had never heard of America, trade deficits, or tariffs—until now.
“We just wanted to fish, mate, and occasionally slide on our bellies,” said Penguinius Maximus, head of the newly formed Penguin Economic Alliance (PEA). “We had no idea we were an existential threat to the American economy.”
Maximus, standing before a crowd of 3,000 solemn Emperor penguins, demanded immediate tariff relief, warning that failure to act could lead to “an irreversible rise in krill prices, plankton shortages, and a collapse of the regional sardine market.”
When asked for clarification, White House officials confirmed that no exceptions would be made for “penguins, puffins, seals, or any other lazy marine freeloaders.”
“America First means America First,” said a senior Trump aide. “If Heard Island wants to keep shipping… whatever it is they ship… to America, they’re gonna pay their fair share.”
When reminded that Heard Island has no human population, no exports, and no functioning ports, the aide simply responded, “That sounds suspiciously like socialism.”
As the sun set over the ice floes, Penguinius Maximus offered one final plea to the American people:
“We don’t want your jobs.
We don’t want your markets.
We just want to be left alone to eat, swim, and argue over shiny pebbles.
Is that too much to ask?”
The Rose Garden, as of press time, remained silent—except for a faint sound in the distance…
a lone penguin, flapping its wings in defiance.
