WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the stock market plummets, businesses close, and Americans contemplate a future rich in self-reliance but poor in consumer goods, President Trump today declared that economic suffering is actually a sign of historic success and called on citizens to “hang tough” through the “Great MAGA Revolution.”

Standing in front of a newly printed banner reading “SHORT-TERM PAIN, LIFELONG PATRIOTISM”, Trump celebrated Friday’s 5.5% collapse in the Dow as “a necessary pruning of weak, globalist branches.”

“We used to be the dumb, helpless whipping post!” Trump shouted over the roar of falling stock prices. “Now, thanks to my leadership, we are the strong, unemployed, hungry whipping post! It’s called Progress!”

Wall Street Panic = Heartland Victory

Despite the Nasdaq entering bear market territory and the “Magnificent 7” tech giants losing a combined $1.8 trillion, Trump remained defiant:

“If billionaires are crying, that means real Americans are winning!”

Trump also suggested that the declining stock market would naturally “weed out the weak” and “forge a new generation of MAGA Spartans, who can survive on bald eagle jerky and American grit.”

Market analysts, speaking off the record, described the economic outlook as “less 1920s boom, more 1930s broom.”

Trump’s economic advisors released a “Hang Tough Handbook” to help Americans navigate the glorious downturn. Suggested patriotic sacrifices include:

• Turning backyard trampolines into potato farms.
• Whittling your own iPhones from American-grown timber.
• Replacing milk with tap water labeled “Freedom Juice.”

Treasury Secretary Stephen Mnuchin (recently re-appointed under emergency powers) assured citizens, “If you can survive on sheer nationalism alone, you’re going to be very wealthy by 2057.”

New Awards for Economic Valor

To honor those enduring hardship, the White House announced a new line of medals, including:

• The Order of Hang Toughness (for eating only canned beans for six months)
• The Tariff Badge of Honor (for surviving without Amazon Prime)
• The Revolutionary Ration Cross (for trading nonessential organs to afford a Ford pickup)

Award ceremonies will be held in vacant shopping malls across America, “the cathedrals of past sins.”

“The GREAT ECONOMIC REVOLUTION is upon us! Only weaklings want cheap goods! Only losers fear recessions! Hang tough, buy American (if you can find it), and remember: NO PAIN, NO FREEDOM!!! 🇺🇸🔥”

Experts predict that at the current rate, by late summer Americans will either be forging coins from melted car parts or declaring independence from credit altogether.

The White House remained optimistic, issuing a final statement:

“Pain is temporary. Tariffs are forever. MAGA.”