WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new effort to expedite deportations, the Trump administration announced this week that traditional legal standards like “charges,” “evidence,” and “due process” are being replaced by a cutting-edge, vibes-based system.
Attorney General Pam Bondi proudly unveiled the initiative, dubbed the Six Degrees of Gang Association Rule, during a joint press conference with ICE and Vice President JD Vance.
“If an undocumented immigrant owns drywall tools, enjoys spicy food, or once lived near a cousin of a guy who maybe saw someone with an MS-13 tattoo, that’s sufficient grounds for immediate deportation,” Bondi explained while brandishing a dry-erase board covered in arrows and question marks.
Under the new policy, ICE agents are empowered to rely on “gut instincts” when identifying threats. Formal investigations are now considered optional and, according to an internal memo, “kind of a buzzkill.”
“Look, the American people want to feel safe,” Bondi added. “And nothing says safety like replacing court rulings with loose allegations and some real strong vibes.”
The shift follows the controversial deportation of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, a Salvadoran national who had previously been granted protected status by a federal judge. ICE later described the deportation as an “administrative error,” noting that Garcia’s ownership of a ladder and his fondness for heavy metal music “raised some red flags.”
At a rally in Ohio, President Trump praised the new approach.
“We’re bringing back common sense, folks! We don’t need 14 lawyers to tell us someone looks suspicious. You can just tell! Great instincts. Amazing instincts. Best instincts.”
Meanwhile, JD Vance defended the deportation policy on “Fox & Friends,” arguing that “relying on law and evidence is exactly how the Deep State wins.” Vance suggested expanding the program to include a new “License Plate Pattern Recognition Unit,” where certain bumper stickers could trigger immediate deportation proceedings.
Critics — including a coalition of immigration attorneys and several bewildered drywall contractors — raised concerns that the new policies were “dangerous, unconstitutional, and genuinely insane.” In response, ICE issued a statement clarifying that “constitutional rights are for citizens we like,” and invited concerned parties to submit their complaints to the nearest Home Depot parking lot.
Asked whether due process might someday make a comeback, Bondi smiled and replied:
“We’re not saying it’s gone forever. We’re just letting America experience life without it for a little while. You know — see how it feels.”
