WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold pivot from decades of public health precedent, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. unveiled a groundbreaking new plan to combat America’s historic measles outbreak: “RFK Jr. Catch It to Cure It.”
The initiative, dubbed RFK Jr. Catch It to Cure It, aims to reshape public perception of vaccination.
“Look, vaccines are one way,” Kennedy said at a press conference held inside a dimly lit wellness spa. “But catching measles the old-fashioned way builds character. And phlegm. And, occasionally, permanent brain damage. But mostly character.”
Under the new “Catch It to Cure It” initiative, Americans are encouraged to gather in small, unventilated living rooms, pass around communal lollipops, and “trust God’s version of immunization.”
Kennedy, wearing a hemp fiber suit and holding a small bottle of oregano oil, assured reporters that “science has its place,” but added that “the measles virus, much like free speech, deserves a fair hearing.”
National Measles Parties Program Launches
The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) announced that starting next month, Americans can attend government-sponsored Measles Mixer™ events, described in official materials as:
- “Potluck meals with an extra side of herd immunity failure.”
- “Family-friendly (but not necessarily immune-system-friendly).”
- “Vaccination cards not required — or recommended.”
Participants will receive a free “Catch It to Cure It!” t-shirt featuring a grinning cartoon measles virus giving a thumbs up.
Families Celebrate ‘Catching It’ Together
In a heartwarming promotional video released by HHS, several American families praised the new initiative for bringing them closer than ever—sometimes physically, when multiple siblings share the same hospital bed.
“We hadn’t all been in the same room for weeks,” said one Texas mother, adjusting her son’s oxygen mask. “Thanks to Catch It to Cure It™, we’re making memories—and fevers—that will last a lifetime.”
Other testimonials touted benefits like:
- “Quality time during quarantine!”
- “Unplugging from screens and plugging into IV drips!”
- “Finally teaching our kids about the importance of patience… and patient units!”
Public Health Experts Alarmed, but Also Emotionally Numb
Leading epidemiologists reacted with horror and dry sarcasm to the plan.
“It’s like burning your house down to kill a mosquito,” said Dr. Stephanie Ng of the American Academy of Pediatrics. “Except the fire spreads to other houses, and the mosquitos survive anyway.”
In an unrelated press conference held minutes later, the CDC quietly rebranded itself “Center for Disease Celebration.”
RFK Jr.’s Closing Remarks: “Let Freedom Ring… and Cough.”
At the end of the announcement, Kennedy clarified that Americans would not be forced to attend Measles Mixers — but “highly encouraged through strategic defunding of every other option.”
“You can choose government tyranny through vaccination, or the sweet, free embrace of natural selection,” Kennedy said.
“Freedom is messy. And itchy. And occasionally fatal. But it’s ours.”
Coming Soon: “Chickenpox Challenge 2025” Tour
HHS insiders confirmed that Kennedy is also planning a Chickenpox Challenge 2025 tour, promising pop-up infection tents at farmers markets, monster truck rallies, and megachurch parking lots.
Official slogan:
“If you get the scab, do the ‘dab’.”
