Official Medical Report Contains No Numbers

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump emerged from his annual physical exam at Walter Reed Medical Center Friday morning with what the White House is calling “the most magnificent health report ever issued for any human, living or dead.“

In a brief statement, the president announced:

“I’m healthier than Lincoln, smarter than Einstein, and more durable than an Abrams tank. This has been confirmed.“

The official summary of Trump’s physical, released shortly afterward by the White House physician, Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella, described the 78-year-old president’s condition using 45 adjectives and zero numbers.

Among the clinical terms listed:

• “Outstandingly fit”
• “Physiologically triumphant”
• “Staggeringly youthful”
• “Big league strong”
• “Handsomer than ever, according to multiple independent nurses”

No blood pressure, cholesterol, heart rate, or weight data was included in the report.

“Numbers are for losers,” said a senior health advisor speaking anonymously. “This report is about feelings.”

The report further certified Trump’s cognitive ability as “superlative,” citing a test in which the president allegedly remembered the sequence “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV, Cheeseburger, Patriot” in under seven seconds.

“The doctor was crying tears of joy,” Trump claimed during a Truth Social post shortly after the exam. “Said he’s never seen anything like it. Said if NASA had a brain contest, I’d be on the Moon already.”

Diet Deemed “Uniquely Perfect”

Despite consuming what sources describe as “a heroic quantity of Big Macs and Diet Coke,” Trump’s diet was praised in the report as “fueling an unstoppable biological phenomenon.“

One White House aide suggested that Trump’s mitochondria “are powered by sheer force of will and Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.“

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Full Medical Report Summary Released:

The complete text of Trump’s 2025 physical exam, obtained by reporters, reads as follows:

“Tremendous. Stunning. Majestic. Physically elite. Cardiovascularly dominant. Skeletally phenomenal. Hairline still excellent. Cognitive ability described as ‘galactic.’ No known weaknesses. No peer in recorded history.“

No additional details were provided.

When asked for clarification, a White House spokesperson replied,

“We feel numbers would only confuse people. Trust the adjectives. Believe the science of winning.“

Critics Respond: “If He’s So Healthy, Why Hide the Numbers?”

Medical experts, public health officials, and late-night comedians quickly weighed in on the report.

“If adjectives could lower cholesterol, Trump would be immortal,” joked Dr. Simone Chen of Johns Hopkins.

Stephen Colbert devoted his entire opening monologue to the event, reading the official White House health report aloud in the voice of a carnival barker.

Meanwhile, medical professionals lamented the loss of a once-routine tradition of transparency.

“The American people deserve data, not Mad Libs,” said former Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy.

In response, Trump posted a new Truth Social message:

“The haters and losers want numbers because they can’t handle perfection! SAD!“

Meanwhile, Biden’s Last Checkup Released 37 Pages of Data

Comparisons to Biden’s last medical report, which included 37 pages of detailed charts, test results, and physician commentary, were dismissed by Trump officials as “fake news math.”

“We prefer a results, vibes-based health strategy, not a numbers-based one,” explained Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “And the result is: Donald Trump is the healthiest he’s ever been, period.“

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