WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a series of carefully choreographed Easter events at the White House this week, Donald Trump shocked faith leaders across the nation by declaring that he now believes in God “more strongly than ever,” a commitment he says rivals his lifelong devotion to gold-plated toilets and five-star Yelp reviews of his own golf resorts.
“I’ve always believed in God,” Trump told guests at a private prayer breakfast. “But now, after all this tremendous persecution and the resurrection brunch—with those excellent deviled eggs—I believe in Him almost as much as I believe in myself. Maybe more. But probably not.”
Paula White-Cain, Trump’s spiritual adviser and prosperity gospel aficionado, praised the moment as a turning point. “There’s just something holy about the way he talks about himself in the third person. It’s almost Psalms-like,” she said, dabbing her eyes with a monogrammed prayer cloth.
According to White House sources, Trump’s faith journey has included advice from a wide array of spiritual mentors, including televangelists, country singers, and, in a recent twist, retired professional wrestler Hulk Hogan.
“Hulk told me God is the ultimate tag team partner,” Trump explained. “And that really spoke to me. Because I think God could probably use my help from time to time, and He could just tag me in. I’m happy to help out the little guy when I can.”
Other spiritual influences include Mr. T (“I pity the fool who doesn’t believe in America’s chosen one”), Dog the Bounty Hunter (“You can’t spell redemption without ‘MAGA’”), and the Duck Dynasty guy who once baptized someone in a kiddie pool filled with Mountain Dew.
In private, Trump has allegedly begun referring to his spiritual awakening as his “Born Again-ish” phase. He now keeps two gold cherub figurines on his desk, which he calls “Don Jr.” and “Eric,” and regularly asks visiting faith leaders if angels have ever endorsed real estate deals.
Though Trump has not joined a church or shown signs of basic theological literacy, insiders say he’s developing a new kind of doctrine.
“It’s very Trumpian theology,” said one anonymous aide. “Grace is only for winners. Forgiveness is available, but only if you’re polling above 50 percent.”
Franklin Graham, when asked to weigh in, said he sees something stirring. “There’s a spiritual intuition I sense when I’m around him. It’s hard to explain. Like when you walk into a room and forget why you came in. It’s kind of like that, but holy.”
The White House Faith Office has promised to continue hosting record numbers of pastors, priests, and Christian influencers, many of whom are flown in on short notice when Trump feels like the vibe could use more laying-on-of-hands.
“I don’t know if Trump’s heart has changed,” admitted one pastor who requested anonymity. “But his branding definitely has.”
In the meantime, a Bible reportedly gifted to him by Billy Graham remains unopened on a bookshelf between copies of “The Art of the Deal,” “Mein Kampf: Collector’s Edition” (given to him by a fan), and a limited-edition Joel Osteen coloring book.
As Easter week wraps, Trump promised more faith-based outreach is coming.
“I’m planning a Holy Land tour,” he announced, “right after I finish building the second Mount Sinai. Bigger, better. The Ten Commandments, but in gold. Believe me, it’s going to be tremendous.”
