By Staff Contributor | The Virtue Signal News
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a leak obtained by The Virtue Signal News, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s military memo has reportedly outlined bold new fitness standards designed to revamp the U.S. military’s image — by filtering out “anyone not ready to bench press a tank, wrestle a bear, and grow a full beard by noon.”
The three-page memo, titled simply “REALLY TOUGH GUYS ONLY,” lays out stringent updates to the Pentagon’s recruitment policies following concerns that modern medical waivers have allowed “softness” to seep into the ranks.
New Enlistment Requirements (excerpted from Memo)
According to the document, beginning this summer:
- All recruits must successfully deadlift a Humvee within 30 days of enlistment.
- Candidates unable to wrestle a medium-sized black bear for at least two minutes will be disqualified “for cowardice.”
- Facial hair must reach 2 cm growth by noon on enlistment day to demonstrate “God-given masculine resilience.”
- Applicants showing more than two emotional responses (excluding rage and patriotism) will be immediately cut.
- New Physical Endurance Test: Includes an obstacle course featuring walls made of red tape and cancel culture.
Failure to complete any phase of the “Freedom Gauntlet” — a revamped boot camp experience including a 5K run while carrying a bald eagle statue — will result in permanent disqualification.
- Gunshot wounds suffered while saving an American flag
- Sunburns from excessive grilling during Fourth of July weekend
- Torn rotator cuffs obtained while lifting a pickup truck or firing celebratory rounds into the air
Conditions like asthma, ADHD, and “having nuanced opinions” are strictly prohibited.
Meanwhile, critics warn that the new standards could result in a recruitment pool limited almost exclusively to 38-year-old CrossFit instructors, WWE mid-carders, and Jason Momoa impersonators.
Hegseth, who has long expressed concern over the “changing health landscape,” reportedly concluded the memo with a rallying call:
In a major shift, Hegseth’s memo specifies that medical waivers will now only be granted for:
“The battlefield doesn’t offer medical waivers. It offers pain. And grilled meat. But mainly pain.”
Sources familiar with the drafting of the memo noted that it was “heavily peppered with barbecue sauce stains,” and that several sections appeared to have been written between rounds of a backyard cornhole tournament and “at least two confirmed servings of Jack Daniel’s.”
“We can’t officially say the memo was drunk-written,” said one Defense official who requested anonymity, “but let’s just say the spelling of ‘indispensable’ was highly creative.”
The Pentagon has not officially commented on the leaked memo but did confirm that the next recruitment ad campaign will feature the slogan:
“Only the Buff Shall Serve.”
In a previous memo-worthy moment, Trump claimed Greenland had surrendered unconditionally.
The Virtue Signal News will update this story as more details emerge—or as more bears are wrestled.
Based loosely—very loosely—on this real article from The Hill.
