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NASHVILLE, TN – In a breakthrough for emotional self-care—and a devastating blow to human connection—tech startup Boundarify has unveiled the world’s first app to set boundaries, ghost your friends, and diagnose your entire group chat with narcissistic tendencies, all before you finish your morning affirmations.
“I used to spend hours ghosting people one by one,” said beta tester and aspiring ‘trauma-informed influencer’ Kelsey, 27. “Now I just tap the ‘Toxic Alert’ button and Boundarify blocks anyone who asks me to help them move, disagrees with my Enneagram type, or posts too many vacation photos. I finally have the capacity to focus on self-care.”
Powered by a proprietary algorithm developed by people who have definitely been to therapy at least once, Boundarify analyzes your social media, texts, and even your Venmo history to identify potential threats to your peace. It sends instant push notifications for phrases like, “Let’s grab coffee soon!” or “Are you free to talk?” followed by a gentle suggestion to ‘set a boundary’ (or, on premium plans, a discreet auto-block).
A built-in “Ghost Mode” feature will preemptively remove you from any group chat as soon as a political topic is mentioned, while the advanced Toxic Detector scans posts for keywords like “brutal honesty,” “playing devil’s advocate,” or “Can you help me move next Saturday?”
Boundarify’s latest update even generates Instagram captions for you. Popular options include:
“We’re not trying to replace the hard work of healing,” said Boundarify’s founder, who asked to remain anonymous to protect their energy. “We’re just here to help you avoid it indefinitely.”
A new premium feature—currently in beta—will scan your contacts for “gaslighting” behavior, auto-unfriend anyone who says “Let’s agree to disagree,” and email your therapist a monthly ‘trauma triggers’ report. Coming soon: ‘Family Gathering Shield,’ which blocks all texts from extended relatives between November and January.
“Therapy language is so important for personal growth,” Kelsey added, “but it’s even better when an app can do the uncomfortable work for you. I just wish Boundarify had a ‘Mom filter.’ Maybe in the next update.”
Print this card for your next family dinner, work Zoom, or anytime you open Facebook comments.
Bonus Square: “My Truth”
If you hit five in a row, Boundarify will block your entire contact list—just to be safe.
At press time, Boundarify announced a new AI therapist chatbot—“Dr. Blockwell”—who is always available to validate your feelings, recommend another boundary, and assure you that yes, you’re the healthiest person you know.
Liked this article? Print it out and set a boundary with your mailbox by refusing to accept bills this month. #ProtectYourPeace
