In a stunning announcement from Heaven this morning, God convened an emergency press conference to clarify a critical issue: He never personally signed off on “Christian nationalism.”
“Look, I authorized the use of my divine autopen for routine matters—sunsets, puppies, avocados, occasional minor miracles—but I definitely didn’t give permission to attach my signature to political slogans or bumper stickers,” said God, visibly frustrated. “And frankly, using my autopen to endorse specific politicians or political ideologies? That’s just crossing a celestial line.”
Heavenly spokesperson, Archangel Gabriel, explained that the divine autopen was intended solely for bureaucratic efficiency, managing the daily influx of “thoughts and prayers.” However, recent audits showed misuse by notable Christian nationalist figures like Charlie Kirk, Franklin Graham, and Nick Fuentes who claimed divine backing for their political agendas.
“We noticed something was off when Heaven’s official stationery appeared at political rallies,” an angelic administrator explained. “God’s signature doesn’t usually accompany phrases like ‘Make America Great Again, Again’ or ‘God bless AR-15s.'”
The revelation sparked panic among evangelical circles, prompting urgent calls to Heaven’s customer support center.
“Frankly, we’re a little overwhelmed,” admitted one angelic clerk sorting through a towering stack of hastily returned political pamphlets stamped “VOID.” “People are now questioning everything—from prosperity blessings to gun rights endorsements. We might need more coffee.”
God announced an immediate halt to all autopen operations, initiating an internal investigation into unauthorized heavenly endorsements.
“Until further notice, Earth residents should assume any political statements claiming my approval are suspect,” God advised. “If you didn’t see me personally sign it—in, you know, a burning bush or on stone tablets—maybe double-check before hitting ‘share’ on social media.”
