FRANKFORT, KY — In an effort to help residents better engage with the recently reinstalled Ten Commandments monument on Capitol grounds, Kentucky lawmakers have unveiled a new initiative called “Commandment of the Week,” a bold moral calendar that promises to bring slow, measurable holiness to the Bluegrass State.

Starting Monday, residents will be encouraged — but not legally required (yet) — to focus on one commandment at a time for spiritual reflection, civic obedience, and light peer surveillance.

State-Mandated Virtue, One Step at a Time

“We didn’t want to overwhelm folks,” explained State Representative Shane Baker, who spearheaded the program after forgetting four commandments during a press interview. “Ten is a lot. We figured if Chick-fil-A can do one sandwich really well, we can do one commandment per week. By summer, we’ll all basically be Moses.”

Week 1: ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ Sponsored by Hobby Lobby

The inaugural week will focus on Thou shalt not kill, which Rep. Baker called “a safe starting point.” Free yard signs bearing the commandment will be distributed at participating megachurches, while influencers are being recruited to launch the #LiveCommanded challenge on TikTok.

State agencies are also being looped in. The Department of Fish and Wildlife has issued a temporary pause on squirrel hunting, and one local sheriff’s department has announced it will “vigorously encourage peaceful vibes.”

“Normally we arrest about 37 people a week,” said Sheriff Doug Bledsoe. “But since the kickoff, we’re down to 35. That’s progress.”

Future Weeks Already Sparking Controversy

While the first few commandments are expected to go smoothly — “No murder,” “No stealing,” and “Honor thy parents” — lawmakers are bracing for turbulence around Weeks 6 and 7: Thou shalt not commit adultery and Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house.

“Week 7’s going to be rough in the HOA groups,” said one concerned citizen, who admitted she already covets five of her neighbor’s things and “possibly her husband.”

When asked how enforcement will work, Rep. Baker clarified, “We’re not monitoring behavior. We’re monitoring hearts alone… and Facebook posts, obviously.”

Next Week: Graven Images and Instagram Filters

Week 2’s focus on Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image has left residents confused about how many emojis or patriotic eagles constitute idolatry.

In the meantime, the Capitol monument now includes a QR code leading to a Spotify playlist of “Ten Commandments LoFi Beats to Meditate and Obey To.”