GEORGETOWN, TX — In his ongoing series of parables loosely based on church history, Texas pastor and self-proclaimed Christian nationalist Joel Webbon clarified this week that while non-Christians are welcome to live in the United States, they should not expect to have “access to the driver’s seat, the steering wheel, or any government-issued keys.”

“They can be in the car,” Webbon explained on his Right Response Ministries podcast, “but Christians are driving. Jews, Muslims, atheists — they can sit in the back. Maybe third row. It’s not personal. It’s just covenantal.”

Webbon insisted his approach was rooted in love.

“We’re not kicking anyone out of the car. We’re just asking them not to touch the gear shift or suggest different radio stations.”

Introducing: The Christian-Only Election Format™

To protect the front seat of democracy, Webbon proposed a bold new initiative: the first-ever Christian-Only Election, a biblically vetted voting system he calls “The Apostles’ Choice.”

Under the proposal, only registered voters who meet the following spiritual criteria will be granted access to the ballot box:

• Must affirm all three major ecumenical creeds (extra credit for reciting in Latin)
• Must list all Twelve Disciples in alphabetical order (Thaddaeus spelling optional)
• Must have been baptized via full immersion or “at least sprinkled with conviction”
• Must provide two references from elders and one from a Christian bookstore employee

Polling stations will be held exclusively in church basements, fellowship halls, or megachurch food courts.Communion will be offered in lieu of “I Voted” stickers.

Critics have pointed out that Webbon’s plan violates the First Amendment, the Voting Rights Act, and “just vibes, generally.” But supporters insist it’s merely a return to “what the Founding Fathers might have done if they had TikTok and Jonathan Edwards podcasts.”

When asked whether Catholic, Orthodox, or even Pentecostal Christians would be allowed to vote under the plan, Webbon paused and replied,

“We’re still discerning that. There may be a tiered seating arrangement.”