Washington D.C.– “You’ve probably heard of the Two-Doll Problem,” the official White House press release begins. “Well, it turns out the Trump administration has listened to your pleas and has found a truly life-changing answer!”

As fallout from President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese imports threatens the toy supply chain just in time for Christmas, the administration has leapt into action—by reframing scarcity as character development and launching a brand-new government-backed product: Patriot Dolls™.

Two Dolls. One Country. Unlimited Spin.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, fresh off testimony defending the 2026 budget, praised the president’s remarks minimizing the toy shortage as “a bold rejection of doll gluttony.”

“In these trying times, we can’t inundate our children with cheap imports—so we’re proud to introduce Patriot Dolls™, a set of two highly durable, American-made figures built to last through generations (or at least until next Christmas). Each set comes with exclusive ‘Self-Reliance’ lesson cards.”

White House Senior Adviser Stephen Miller took it further:

“Why settle for thirty indistinguishable dolls when two engineered by hard-working Americans will teach your child the true meaning of grit—and keep lead-paint out of their playtime?”

What’s in the “Patriot Dolls” Box?

Two Dolls, One Mission:

• Founding Father Frank – Comes complete with a removable powdered wig, detachable parchment scroll, and “Don’t Tread on Me” boxers.
• Liberty Lucy – Features a miniature torch, a pocket Constitution, and a rotating “Made in America” speech dial with four phrases, including “Regulation is tyranny” and “Jesus was fiscally conservative.”

Self-Reliance Lesson Cards:

• Card #1: “Counting Blessings, Not Dolls”
• Card #2: “DIY Birthday Bash with Macaroni Confetti”
• Card #3: “Supply Chain Sadness Builds Character”
• Card #4: “Pretend Your Friends Brought Their Dolls Too”
• Card #5: “You Think This Is Bad? Ask Grandma About the Great Depression.”

Limited Edition Variant:

• Tariff Tough Frank – Same doll, now wrapped in surplus steel with slightly toxic glue. Comes with a collectible “No Free Trade” lunchbox.

Patriot Dolls™ vs. Imported Temptations

From the “Scarcity Builds Resilience” Parenting Pamphlet

Released alongside the Patriot Dolls™, the administration’s Scarcity Builds Resilience pamphlet is filled with comforting reminders that fewer toys means stronger kids.

“Parents: rejoice! When your daughter unwraps just two dolls, she’ll cherish each one twice as much. Bonus activity: host a ‘Macaroni Doll Birthday’—because fewer guests = more homemade fun.”

Pamphlet Highlights:

• “Minimalism is American now.”
• “MacGyver was raised with one action figure and a spoon.”
• “Jesus only had 12 disciples. Your kid can deal with 2 dolls.”

Reactions Pour In

Former Vice President Mike Pence told CNN:

“Keeping dolls affordable, keeping kids’ toys affordable—that’s part of the American dream. But apparently that dream now involves scarcity with a patriotic twist.”

Political commentator Bill O’Reilly defended the strategy:

“Trump’s never been calculated. But if a doll shortage brings down Beijing, I’m all in.”

Meanwhile, a 10-year-old girl in Ohio simply responded:

“Do I at least get to choose which two I keep?”

Collector Alert

Patriot Dolls™ are available for a limited time through the Department of Domestic Happiness. They ship in a biodegradable box (cutting costs), include zero batteries (supply chain), and come with a letter from President Trump himself, reassuring every child that this holiday season is “not about what you want, but what the economy needs from you.”