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White House rolls out new AI-powered “Freedom Support Line” after floating suspension of habeas corpus; Fox News calls it “Uber for justice.”
In a surprise press conference Friday morning, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller introduced what he called a “technologically disruptive approach to legal rights”: a fully automated hotline for detainees, replacing the traditional court system.
“We realized courts were slowing things down,” Miller explained. “People were getting representation, appeals, all sorts of delays. Now with DetainLine™, they can get their ‘no’ instantly.”
Callers are greeted with this friendly menu:
Welcome to the Freedom Support Line, proudly powered by ICE Cloud™.
- Press 1 if you don’t know why you’re being held.
- Press 2 to request a lawyer (estimated wait time: 18–25 years).
- Press 3 to plead your case to a disinterested algorithm.
- Press 4 for English. Press 5 to be ignored in Spanish.
- Press 6 to scream.
- Press 7 to donate to the Deportation Efficiency Fund™.
On Friday’s broadcast, Fox & Friends praised the innovation:
“This is deregulation at its finest,” said co-host Ainsley Earhardt. “Who needs bloated courtrooms when you’ve got the cloud?”
“Let’s be honest,” chimed in Brian Kilmeade. “Due process is so 18th century.”
Sean Hannity went further, calling it a “common-sense solution to liberal lawfare.”
“Habeas corpus is Latin. No one speaks Latin. Why should our laws?” he asked.
Law scholars, however, were less enthusiastic.
“Suspending habeas corpus is not a tech pivot,” said University of Texas law professor Lee Kovarsky. “It’s a constitutional panic button.”
Others warned that outsourcing justice to software might lead to “the Uberization of imprisonment.”
The program is being beta-tested under the slogan:
“Your rights, streamlined.”
The hotline is reportedly powered by a modified version of the old Microsoft Clippy:
“It looks like you’re trying to challenge indefinite detention. Would you like help with that? [NO AVAILABLE ACTIONS].”
At press time, Trump wasn’t available according to sources, who said he was panic texting Bukele. Again.
