Dallas, TX – Welcome, faithful messengers, dignified delegates, slightly confused pastors, and people who just came for the Lifeway coupons. Whether you’re driving down from Tulsa or parachuting in from the theological stratosphere, the 2025 Southern Baptist Convention Annual Meeting in Dallas promises to be the kind of family reunion where everyone passive-aggressively argues over the potato salad and someone eventually flips a table.

To prepare you for this spiritual version of a family Thanksgiving where politics, scripture, Robert’s Rules, and unresolved Twitter beefs all get mashed together, the staff here at Virtue Signal has consulted 100 anonymous SBC members (all from the First United Redeemed Missionary Baptist Church of Possum Neck, Oklahoma) to bring you the ultimate survival guide.

Here are the Top 15 Things You Need to Do to Be Ready for Dallas:

1. Pass the Law Amendment (Again, For the First Time, For Real This Time)
Nothing says revival like eliminating every woman with “pastor” in her title—even if she only pastors the goldfish ministry. This year, the Law Amendment makes its comeback tour, complete with bonus parliamentary loopholes and righteous indignation. Tip: Practice shouting “clarity!” every time someone says “autonomy.”

2. Memorize Robert’s Rules (Fundamentalist Remix Edition)
Bring your KJV and your 756-page parliamentary playbook because nothing honors the Lord like raising a point of order in Elizabethan English. Bonus points if you use the phrase, “I rise to challenge the previous question in the name of Leviticus.”

3. Emotionally Prepare for the Open Mic Free-for-All
Microphone 3 is where dreams go to die and conspiracy theories are born. Expect motions like: “I move that all official SBC baptism T-shirts read ‘There Are Only Two Genders!'” or “I propose that we replace the ERLC with a Chick-fil-A.” Sit back and enjoy the show—or grab a mic and bring your own motion wrapped in a 12-point sermon.

4. Spot the Sledgehammer Crowd
Watch for the folks holding metaphorical (and possibly literal) hammers to dismantle the ERLC. Their motto: “When you don’t like your mirror, smash it!” Be sure to wear protective eyewear during discussion periods.

5. Practice Your “Friendly Cooperation” Face
You’ll need it when you find out your church’s VBS director is now eligible for disfellowship because she once taught the children to sing “Shine, Jesus, Shine” with interpretive dance. Smile, nod, and whisper: “autonomy of the local church” like it’s a calming mantra.

6. Don’t Say ‘Woke’ Unless You Mean It
In Dallas, the word “woke” can either get you a standing ovation or an urgent prayer circle. Best to stick with “Biblically Faithful” unless you enjoy being spiritually audited.

7. Sign Up for the ERLC Hunger Games
This year’s main event pits Jack Graham’s Defund Alliance against the 10 Former Presidents’ Keep-It-But-Tweak-It Task Force. Early betting odds favor whichever side can work the phrase “Great Commission” into their budget line item the most times.

8. Bring Your Baptist Battle Gear
Pack a three-ring binder of resolutions, a Sharpie for amending motions on the fly, and a custom T-shirt that says “I Survived the Credentials Committee.” You’ll also want a flag pin, a Bible with tabbed verses on gender roles, and a tote bag big enough to carry your grievances.

9. Prepare for Spontaneous Worship (and Debate)
Be ready to switch from a tearful rendition of “In Christ Alone” to a heated dispute over whether a woman reading Scripture aloud counts as exercising authority. SBC cardio burns both spiritual and emotional calories.

10. Brush Up on Your SBC Buzzwords
“Winsome.” “Clarity.” “Great Commission Baptists.” “Liberal Drift.” “Conservative Resurgence 2.0.” Make flashcards. Practice in front of a mirror. Use them all in one sentence if you want a speaking slot in 2026.

11. Sit Near the Exit (Just in Case)
You’ll want easy access to the hallway when the 47-minute floor debate over whether the ERLC is a modern-day Tower of Babel hits minute 48. Also helpful when spontaneous hymn-singing breaks out as a filibuster tactic.

12. Print Your Credentials (And Your Doctrinal Statements)
Forget your messenger badge and you’re just a tourist. Forget your position paper on why Saddleback was rightly disfellowshipped, and you’ll be mistaken for a progressive. Don’t let the lanyard define you.

13. Come Prepared with a Motion, Just in Case
We recommend:

• That all SBC messengers be required to affirm their favorite Founding Father (bonus points if it’s not Hamilton)
• That any church allowing clapping during worship be referred to the Credentials Committee
• That Lifeway reconsider its decision to discontinue felt-board curriculum for the sake of doctrinal stability

14. Be Ready to Clap (or Not) Strategically
A well-timed clap can mean the difference between convention hero and Baptist backbencher. But be warned: clapping too soon, too long, or too enthusiastically can mark you as a suspected liberal. Clap with caution.

15. Leave Room for the Holy Spirit—and the Alt Agenda
The printed schedule is a lie. Motions will multiply. Resolutions will appear from the void. Speakers will preach long. The only thing certain is that someone will forget to suspend the rules before trying to change the rules. Just breathe. The Lord is still sovereign—and the exhibit hall still has free mints.

There you have it. Your satirical road map to surviving the 2025 SBC Convention in Dallas. Whether you’re marching in to reform the ERLC, reinstate a proper dress code, or rename the SBC to the Baptist International Society of Holiness (B.I.S.H.), just remember: you are not alone. The battle is not against flesh and blood, but against motions, amendments, and the occasional seminary professor quoting Barth.

Good luck. Godspeed. And remember: if it gets too heated, just start singing the Doxology.

Amen and pass the mic.