The Trump administration’s new anti-Christian bias task force urges State Department employees to report any and all feelings of spiritual discomfort, including passive greetings, rainbow-colored paraphernalia, and the suspicious presence of empathy.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark case of religious oppression, a federal employee has filed a formal complaint under the Trump administration’s new anti-Christian discrimination task force after being greeted with the words “Happy Hanukkah” by a Jewish colleague.

“I felt targeted,” the employee’s report reads. “I mean, why not just say ‘Merry Christmas’ like a normal person?”

The incident marks the first formal filing under a new State Department initiative that encourages Christian-identifying employees to anonymously report colleagues, supervisors, or workplace décor that “makes it harder to worship Christ in peace and fluorescent lighting.”

The Office of Civil Rights — now led by Heather Olowski, a woman whose primary qualification appears to be her proximity to her anti-immigrant husband — sent a department-wide cable this week clarifying that acceptable causes for religious complaints include:

• Being invited to a Pride Month potluck.
• Being asked to take a vaccine recommended by 95% of the global medical community.
• Seeing a rainbow-themed mousepad.
• Hearing someone say, “They/them.”

“Religious liberty is under siege,” explained a senior Trump official. “We believe no Christian should be forced to witness inclusion and just silently absorb it.”

Several complaints have also stemmed from lingering resentment over past vaccine mandates, which one employee described as “a spiritual violation that made my body a temple and my arm a war zone.”

The complaint was accompanied by a printed-out meme of Jesus wearing a MAGA hat and refusing a syringe.

Under the new guidelines, workers may now refuse:

• DEI trainings
• Respecting pronouns
• Sharing breakroom space with anyone who believes in climate change

Instead, religious liberty will be expressed via daily devotionals over the intercom and new “Jesus fish-only” parking spaces.

An anonymous staffer noted,

“It’s kind of like a reverse Inquisition. This time, we’re the ones asking the questions. And the questions are: ‘Did you hang that flag?’ and ‘Did you just say Namaste?’”

Critics were quick to point out that while the administration is laser-focused on perceived slights against Christians, it has shown no concern for other religious groups — including Jewish synagogues being targeted or Muslim employees denied prayer breaks.

“Jesus would weep,” said a former State Department chaplain. “And then probably be reported for being emotionally disruptive.”

As laid out in a new internal memo titled “Faithfully Persecuted,” the guiding principles of the task force are:

1. Christianity is under attack if someone else has a different belief.
2. The only valid religious expression is one that ends with ‘USA.’
3. Suffering for Jesus is beautiful — unless it happens to you.

Coming Soon:

The administration is also considering a hotline where Christians can report:

• Being asked to use “they” in a sentence.
• Finding a yoga mat in the breakroom.
• Co-workers who seem “too comfortable” being gay.

Early promotional materials include the slogan:

“If you feel convicted, they should be evicted.”

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