Trump Corrects: ‘Second Most Persecuted After Me
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press briefing today, officials from the Trump administration’s newly established Task Force Against Anti-Christian Bias proudly announced that Christians have officially been named the most persecuted group at the State Department. The designation came after rigorous self-investigation, exhaustive internal polling, and several prayer breakfasts that “got pretty emotional,” according to Heather Olowski, head of the State Department’s office of civil rights.
“It’s clear from our thorough, impartial analysis—which included reading complaints about insufficient Bible verses on coffee mugs and instances of co-workers saying ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’—that Christians face unprecedented discrimination,” said Olowski. She cited alarming reports such as mandatory Casual Fridays forcing employees to wear “Jesus-unapproved khakis,” and “anti-Christian microwaves” that consistently burned popcorn belonging to devout workers.
However, the briefing took an unexpected turn when former President Trump, who had been watching live coverage on Truth Social, corrected the task force, posting in all caps:
“FAKE NEWS! NO ONE HAS SUFFERED MORE THAN ME. CHRISTIANS SECOND. ME FIRST. ALWAYS FIRST!”
The task force immediately amended their findings, officially declaring Trump himself as the most persecuted figure, followed closely by Christians at the State Department. Trump later praised the corrected ranking, asserting, “Nobody understands persecution better than I do. I am persecuted daily, hourly—sometimes even in my sleep. It’s tremendous.”
In response to this historic designation, the Trump administration unveiled a new app, “PersecutionTracker,” which enables Christians and Trump loyalists alike to log “microaggressions” in real-time. Early entries include reports of hostile “Coexist” bumper stickers in parking lots and a concerning incident involving vegan snacks offered without prior prayer.
“We want every believer and patriot to know they’re never alone in their battle against persecution,” said Lew Olowski, head of the State Department’s Global Talent Management. “This app will ensure even the smallest offense is documented and addressed with the seriousness it deserves—like that time Brenda in accounting wore a rainbow-colored sweater.”
In a bold policy move, the Trump administration further clarified consequences for those found guilty of anti-Christian bias. “Anyone deemed a threat to traditional American values will be considered dangerous and thus forfeits rights to due process,” Trump stated. Violators will reportedly be immediately deported to El Salvador, following recent diplomatic agreements.
“If you don’t respect our coffee mugs, you’re clearly a danger to America,” Trump said solemnly. “It’s only fair you spend some quality time reflecting on your actions elsewhere, like El Salvador. Believe me, it’s a beautiful country—I’ve heard great things. Really tremendous things.”
The announcement concluded with a rendition of “God Bless America,” featuring Trump briefly forgetting the words, then confidently humming the remainder of the tune.
