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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Declaring that “elite thought is an elite threat,” the Trump administration today introduced the Ivy League Purge Act (ILPA), an emergency order that immediately freezes federal research grants to any university failing a new “patriotism audit.” First up: Harvard University, which will be taken into receivership and re-launched this fall as Trump University at Cambridge (T-UAC).
“Harvard had a good run,” Education Secretary ChatGPT-5* told reporters. “But the time has come for a campus that teaches American greatness—not whatever they were doing in that Kennedy School basement.”
*Name redacted by White House stenographers “for national security, probably.”
| Section | Requirement | Compliance Test |
|---|---|---|
| 101—Loyalty Oath | All faculty must pledge that “Disney’s The Lion King is a documentary about supply-side economics.” | Fingerprint scanner attached to a miniature gold statue of the former president. |
| 203—Balanced Curriculum | Replace Critical Race Theory with Critical Praise Theory (a 16-credit course on quoting Presidents 45 and 47 in original ALL-CAPS). | Midterm: live-tweet a rally without using spell-check. |
| 305—Research Funding | NIH and NSF grants redirected to “Real Problems,” e.g., inventing un-melting ice cream for golf resorts. | Annual freezer inspection by Don Jr. |
| 404—Library Hygiene | All books >300 pages flagged as “elitist tomes.” Required replacement: The Art of the Deal for Kids (coloring-book edition). | Librarians must Sharpie out every instance of the word “social.” |
| 666—Mascot Modernization | Retire Harvard’s “Crimson” and adopt a new Fighting Comb-Over logo in tasteful Pantone #FF0000. | Mascot must appear at halftime chanting “Go therefore and MAGA-fy all nations.” |
White House spokesman Tucker Karlson (no relation, he swears) called critics “jealous nerds who prefer cancel culture to country clubs.”
“Look, we’re transforming Harvard into a place where young Americans can finally major in Advanced Grievance Studies without being silenced by facts,” Karlson said, adding that T-UAC will still honor previous acceptance letters, “provided students submit a loyalty meme by COB Friday.”
Asked whether the purge might chill academic inquiry, Karlson replied, “Absolutely—inquiry should be served cold.”
| Course | Credits | Description |
|---|---|---|
| MKTG 101 — Monetizing Outrage | 3 | Labs include designing a merch drop within 12 hours of a scandal you just caused. |
| SCI 240 — Climate Change: Just Vibes | 4 | Syllabus is updated weekly via Magic 8-Ball. |
| REL 350 — Prosperity Gospel Accounting | 2 | Learn to baptize tax write-offs in the Jordan River of loopholes. |
| HIST 1776 — America’s Perfect Track Record | 0 (Pass/Pass) | Every class opens with the pledge and ends with “Name a U.S. mistake—trick question, bell dismissed.” |
Administration insiders hint that Yale may avoid takeover if it installs a 30-foot statue of Peter Navarro and rebrands the Bulldog as “The Trade War Terrier.” Princeton reportedly lobbying to survive by naming its library after Jared K.
Meanwhile, Harvard has 30 days to complete re-education—or risk being converted into the world’s largest Bass Pro Shop.
“It’s simple,” Secretary ChatGPT-5 concluded. “Universities can have free inquiry or free money—but not both.”
Virtue Signal News will monitor developments (from a safe distance in the campus catacombs, where banned syllabi now fetch $10 000 on the underground resale market).
