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Category: Politics

Self Deport Rewards Crossings this week 8 2 until next reward

New ‘Self-Deport’ App Offers Loyalty Points for Frequent Deporters

In an effort to modernize border enforcement and “save taxpayers billions,” the Trump administration has rolled out a loyalty rewards program within its recently launched “Self-Deport” app — offering incentives to undocumented immigrants who voluntarily leave the country. According to administration officials, the goal is simple: streamline deportation by encouraging users to “take the easy way out” — and earn points while […]
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timnoose Serious depiction of Morgan Freeman playing God at a 17e04770 1934 4427 9e6e bc7a17f00dd1 1

Divine Autopen: God Reveals He Never Personally Signed Off on Christian Nationalism

In a stunning announcement from Heaven this morning, God convened an emergency press conference to clarify a critical issue: He never personally signed off on “Christian nationalism.” “Look, I authorized the use of my divine autopen for routine matters—sunsets, puppies, avocados, occasional minor miracles—but I definitely didn’t give permission to attach my signature to political […]
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ChatGPT Image Mar 28 2025 at 02 00 08 PM

‘Commandment of the Week’ Program Launches to Ease Kentucky Into Moral Clarity

FRANKFORT, KY — In an effort to help residents better engage with the recently reinstalled Ten Commandments monument on Capitol grounds, Kentucky lawmakers have unveiled a new initiative called “Commandment of the Week,” a bold moral calendar that promises to bring slow, measurable holiness to the Bluegrass State. Starting Monday, residents will be encouraged — but […]
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ChatGPT Image Mar 28 2025 at 01 33 50 PM

“Welcome home Greenland!” Trump Declares

“Welcome home Greenland!” Trump Declares WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold escalation of his years-long obsession with Greenland, President Trump today unveiled a multi-pronged “Greenland Acquisition Strategy” that includes updated school maps, collectible NFTs, and a brand-new “frequent visitor” rewards program for locals. “We’re not invading Greenland,” Trump clarified in a Truth Social post. “We’re welcoming […]
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ChatGPT Image Mar 26 2025 at 02 05 04 PM

In Wake of Leaked War Plans, Trump Administration Moves to Snapchat for ‘Maximum Security and Maximum Vibes

Leavitt: ‘No classified info was shared. Just, like, vibes. Maybe a launch code or two.’ WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following explosive revelations that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth shared detailed military strike plans in a Signal group chat—alongside Vice President JD Vance, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, and National Security Adviser Mike Waltz—the Trump White House has […]
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Franklin Graham standing outside a humanitarian tent, holding paperwork with a faint American flag in the background. The setting reflects aid work and political alignment.

Trump’s Foreign Aid Freeze Finds One Exception: People Who Publicly Pray for Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After placing a dramatic 90-day freeze on nearly all U.S. foreign aid programs, President Trump has made just one high-profile exception: a $19 million reimbursement to Samaritan’s Purse, the evangelical relief organization led by longtime supporter and occasional White House prayer leader Franklin Graham. The pause, which Trump said was necessary “to shake things up […]
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Dramatic reality TV-style image of Donald Trump standing in front of a golden White House set with spotlights and patriotic graphics, promoting a fictional political competition show.

Trump Unveils ‘Apprentice: Oval Office,’ Plans to Win Presidency by Firing the Winner

PALM BEACH, FL — In a move that combines political ambition with premium streaming content, President Donald Trump has announced the launch of The Apprentice: Oval Office — a new reality show competition designed to produce a technical president who will immediately step aside, allowing Trump to return for an unprecedented third term. “I’m not saying I’ll be […]
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Pastor Joel Webbon driving a car with an empty front passenger seat and a diverse group of people seated in the back, symbolizing his proposal that non-Christians should have no leadership role in America.

Pastor Joel Webbon Says Non-Christians Can Still Ride in America, ‘Just Not in the Front Seat’ — Proposes First-Ever Christian-Only Election

GEORGETOWN, TX — In his ongoing series of parables loosely based on church history, Texas pastor and self-proclaimed Christian nationalist Joel Webbon clarified this week that while non-Christians are welcome to live in the United States, they should not expect to have “access to the driver’s seat, the steering wheel, or any government-issued keys.” “They can be in […]
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Donald Trump wrapped in an American flag, proudly holding a satirical receipt showing inflated prices like a $55,000 damaged Tesla, under a campaign banner reading “Pay More for Freedom.”

If It’s Not Red, White, or Blue — It’s 25% More: Trump Urges Americans to Embrace the Holy Pain of Patriotism

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump reassured Americans this week that the rising cost of cars, groceries, and every product not manufactured in a shed behind a Cracker Barrel is not a crisis — but a sacrifice to the greater good of economic nationalism. “If you’re paying more, you’re doing it right,” said Trump in an interview from […]
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Photorealistic image of a professional woman in an office holding a “Coexist” coffee mug, looking horrified.

BREAKING: Christians Now Officially Most Persecuted Group at State Department, Say Christians at State Department

Trump Corrects: ‘Second Most Persecuted After Me WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press briefing today, officials from the Trump administration’s newly established Task Force Against Anti-Christian Bias proudly announced that Christians have officially been named the most persecuted group at the State Department. The designation came after rigorous self-investigation, exhaustive internal polling, and several prayer breakfasts that […]

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