Staff now required to open every segment with a quote from Putin and at least one slow nod toward Moscow.

ATLANTA, GA — Shockwaves rippled through CNN headquarters Tuesday morning as President Trump signed Executive Order #1776.1, declaring that the network will immediately be absorbed into Russia Today America, a “more reliable source of news and vibes,” according to White House sources.

The move, announced just days after Trump praised Russian state media during a speech in Dayton, Ohio, was billed as a “course correction” for American journalism.

“CNN has been fake for too long,” Trump told reporters. “Now it will be glorious. Fair. Strong. It’s not Fake News anymore — it’s Russia News. Which is better. Trust me.”

An Inside Look at Day One of the New RT America

As part of the rebranding effort, all CNN staff were issued new ID badges featuring a smiling photo of Vladimir Putin and a small warning label:

“Refusal to toe the narrative may result in mild gulagging.”

The front doors now bear the slogan:

“RT America: Where the Truth is Optional, But the Loyalty is Mandatory.”

Eyewitnesses report that former Fox News host Tucker Carlson arrived unannounced, walked past security, and sat down at Anderson Cooper’s desk.

“This is where I belong,” Carlson allegedly whispered. “I’ve always admired Russia’s media infrastructure — and their deep fear of oat milk.”

He now hosts the 8 PM slot, retitled:

“Unquestionably True, with Tucker”
— described as “a news show for people who believe too much freedom is dangerous.”

CNN’s standard breaking news graphics have been replaced with nostalgic Soviet marching band music and the phrase “BREAKING: AMERICA IS STILL IN DENIAL.”

New segments include:

• “Putin Points” – 5-minute celebrations of whatever the Kremlin accomplished that day (e.g., “successfully intimidated Finland”)
• “The Weather, But For Moscow” – John Berman now reads temperatures from Eastern Europe in a fur hat
• “Sanction Watch!” – Erin Burnett tallies up new Western penalties in a segment sponsored by Gazprom

Multiple anchors were seen squinting at teleprompters newly rewritten in Cyrillic, while Wolf Blitzer reportedly fled the studio muttering, “I can’t keep pretending this is normal.”

Anderson Cooper was last seen at the building’s loading dock, quietly Googling “how to apply for BBC job” on his phone.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt applauded the move:

“It’s about time American media aligned with the values of real leadership — strength, discipline, and outdoor shirtless horseback riding.”

She also announced that the Biden administration will be renamed “The Regime” across all White House transcripts.

Sources suggest the next network to undergo “journalistic integrity restoration” may be MSNBC, which is reportedly being eyed for a merger with North Korea’s Voice of the Supreme Leader.

Meanwhile, Trump praised CNN’s progress:

“They’re doing beautiful things now. I turned on the TV and saw my name, Putin’s face, and Tucker in a leather jacket. I thought — this is what real journalism looks like.”

Back in Atlanta, a lone producer was seen replacing the “Fact Check” banner with one that simply reads: “Probably True (If You’re Patriotic).”

The Virtue Signal News will continue to report on this story — unless we’re forced to pledge allegiance to a bear in a Kremlin hat.

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