"Mock responsibly—share this story:"WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump reassured Americans this week that the rising cost of cars, groceries, and every product not manufactured in a shed behind a Cracker Barrel is not a crisis — but a sacrifice to the greater good of economic nationalism.
“If you’re paying more, you’re doing it right,” said Trump in an interview from what aides described as “an extremely patriotic golf cart.” “We’re bringing prices up for freedom. That’s the dream.”
Under Trump’s new “America First… At a Price” plan, tariffs of up to 25% have been placed on all goods deemed “insufficiently American,” including vehicles, consumer electronics, antibiotics, and every color not found in the American flag.
The New American Dream™
In a recent address to the Economic Club of New York, Bessent clarified that the American Dream was never about affordability — it was about “paying more for something just to spite Canada.”
Economists warn the tariffs may worsen inflation and destabilize markets, but the Trump administration insists that’s just “fake math.”“We may have a short-term recession,” Trump admitted, “but it’ll be a God-honoring recession — the best kind.”
Supporters Already Feeling the Burn (Patriotically)
“My 401(k) lost 30%, and my new truck is $14,000 more,” said Jack Denham, a die-hard Trump voter from rural Georgia. “But I feel closer to Jesus and Andrew Jackson than I ever have.”
In a press conference, White House officials unveiled a new slogan:“Buy American. Or at Least Pay Like You Did.”
Coming Soon: A Tax Credit for Patriotic Overpayment
Sources say the administration is considering a “Tariff Tithe” program in which Americans can log receipts for inflated prices and be rewarded with handwritten notes of thanks from Mike Lindell and Kid Rock.
Meanwhile, the stock market continues to slide. When asked if he was concerned, Trump shrugged:
“I told people not to look at the stock market. Look at flags. Look at eagles. Look at how expensive eggs are. That’s winning.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a powerful moment of carefully curated revival, worship
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