HOLLYWOOD, FL— In the latest innovation from the White House’s “Americans First, Some More Than Others” initiative, the nation tuned in last night for the premiere of Immigration Games, a primetime spectacle where desperate immigrants compete for a shot at U.S. citizenship—live, for the entertainment of millions.

“The Immigration Games are not a Game Show, It’s a Testimony”

Hosted by evangelicals, Eric Metaxas in a sequined jacket and Al Mohler as head judge, the show opened with fireworks and a tearful opening prayer from Franklin Graham (“Lord, help us choose wisely between the sojourners and the sodomites”).

Contestants—most from Latin America, Africa, and Asia—were required to compete in classic “American” challenges:

• Clam Digging Against the Clock
• Recite John 3:16 (in English, and with correct King James inflection)
• ‘Guess That Bible Verse Out of Context’ Speed Round
• Waffle House Waitressing Endurance Test

At the end of each round, a panel of white evangelical commentators (joined by a rotating cast of “mean girl” pundits flown in from Twitter) delivered live verdicts on each contestant’s “biblical energy” and “suburban fit.”

“She just didn’t seem to get Leviticus, you know?” said Megan Basham, as a nurse from Guatemala exited through the smoke machine.

Biblical Justifications: Judges Explain Theological Logic (Sort Of)

Throughout the evening, the judges were asked to explain how forcing desperate people to play obstacle courses for citizenship aligned with “biblical conviction.” Their answers were…creative.

• Al Mohler, with gravitas:
  “Well, you see, when Rahab hid the spies, she had to climb a rope ladder. The Bible is very clear: physical fitness and quick thinking are marks of a true convert.”
• Franklin Graham, holding up a foam finger:
  “Remember, Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me’—but only after they win the three-legged race and properly fill out their TPS forms.”
• Eric Metaxas, consulting a massive study Bible:
  “Scripture tells us to welcome the stranger—unless they fail the casserole bake-off, in which case we render them unto Caesar, or, as the Greek says, ‘ICE Processing Center 7.’”
• Guest Judge Megan Basham, wagging a finger:
  “Esther was an immigrant who passed a beauty contest, so we’re basically just being biblical. Some people say it’s ‘mean girl energy’—I say it’s just discernment.”

Fast-Track Lane: The White South African VIP Experience

While the main stage ran obstacle courses, cameras cut to the exclusive “VIP Immigration Suite,” where 59 white South Africans received hot towels, apple pie, and a “Welcome to God’s Country” monologue from Franklin Graham.
Each was presented with a “Provisional Patriot” sash and a foam finger reading “#1 Biblical Refugee.”

“It’s important that we keep immigration biblical,” explained Al Mohler. “Which is why we’re especially excited to welcome folks who look like Sunday School Jesus and already own at least one bass boat.”

Meanwhile, the crowd was encouraged to text in votes for “Most American Accent” and “Best Psalm Recitation.”

Biblical Conviction Wheel: Spin for Salvation!

For undecided cases, contestants spun the Biblical Conviction Wheel, with outcomes ranging from “Welcome, Blessed are the Meek” to “Deportation—Render Unto Caesar.”

“Sorry, you landed on ‘Moabite’—better luck next time!” Metaxas quipped, as applause and confetti rained down on the favored contestant.

Viewers’ Choice: Twitter Decides Who Gets to Stay

During commercial breaks, viewers voted via #AmericanEnough. The results scrolled live:

• “Extra points for a firm handshake and quoting Reagan!”
• “Needs more casserole energy.”
• “Docked two points for not knowing the Chick-fil-A jingle.”

Final Round: American Gladiators, But For Asylum

In the climactic finale, remaining contestants faced a gauntlet:

• Dodge ICE agents in a bouncy house
• Deliver a casserole to the correct megachurch
• Debate Franklin Graham about the Beatitudes (bonus points if they can work in ‘the Founders’ intent’)

White South African Winners Collect Keys to the Suburbs

While the other immigrants awaited “further review,” the South African arrivals left the studio in new SUVs, driven by Fox News interns, as the judges sang “God Bless America” in three-part harmony.

As credits rolled, Eric Metaxas announced next week’s theme: “Who Wants to Marry a Green Card?”
Tune in to see if America’s ‘biblical values’ can be stretched any thinner—and remember, on Immigration Games, only the blessed survive. (Terms and conditions may apply. No Beatitudes were harmed in the making of this broadcast.)