*Offer valid only if Canada becomes the 51st state
Virtue Signal News • Satire

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House today unveiled a dazzling “Golden Dome™ Friendship Package” that promises Canada a state-of-the-art, gold-laminated missile shield plus one (1) complimentary red-plaid moose hat—provided the entire country agrees to swap its flag for stars-and-stripes and enter the Union as State #51 by Labor Day.

President Trump (speaking from the Rose Garden/poutine cart hybrid):
“It’s a steal, folks—zero down, zero interest, all you have to do is stop being Canada.”

Moments later, Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Mélanie Joly politely replied, “Thank you for the offer, eh, but we’re still reading the fine print about Netflix.”

The glossy brochure (sorry, “treaty”) at a glance

Footnote: Offer void where provider still believes in constitutional monarchy or bagged milk.

Fox News reaction: “A MASTERSTROKE”

The network’s morning panel erupted in applause, displaying a chyron that read:

BREAKING: CANADA BEGS TO JOIN U.S.—SURRENDERS MAPLE SYRUP SUPPLY

Host K.T. Caribou called the deal “proof Trump is the toughest negotiator since the Louisiana Purchase, but with more antlers.”

Canadians respond in two dialects of “What?”

• Prime Minister Mark Carney (adjusting toque): “We’re happy to discuss continental security, but the moose hat clause is… new.”
• Random Torontonian on CBC: “Do we still get Corner Gas? Because if not, hard pass.”
• Quebec Premier François Legault (en français): “Nous préférons l’annexion par Costco—au moins il y a des échantillons gratuits.”

A flash Ipsos poll shows 92 % of Canadians worry most about losing their Netflix region, narrowly edging out “loss of sovereignty” (6 %) and “mandatory bald-eagle tattoos” (2 %).

Economists, meanwhile, crunch the domes

Dr. Karen Bjornson, University of Manitoba:
“At $175 billion, the Golden Dome costs more than building 400 indoor hockey rinks over every province— which, frankly, would stop most missiles anyway.”

Bonus perks (according to the brochure)

1. Tim Hortons becomes “Tim Freedom’s.”
2. National animal updated from beaver to “very polite bald eagle.”
3. Hockey Night in Canada rebranded “Ice Liberty Live, presented by MyPillow.”
4. Each province receives one Walmart SuperCenter shaped like Mar-a-Lago.

Critics note some drawbacks

• Universal healthcare now subject to a “spin the wheel” co-pay game show.
• Use of “sorry” capped at 10 instances per capita per year.
• Curling stones to be fitted with Bluetooth trackers “for security.”

Smallest text on the last page reads:

“Moose hat while supplies last. Golden Dome warranty void if temperature drops below -10 °C (that’s 14 °F for your new passport). Canada agrees to pay shipping & handling (estimated $48 billion).”

The closing offer

President Trump: “Act fast—if Canada passes, we’re taking the Golden Dome to Iceland. They have great ice, almost as good as mine.”

Negotiations resume next week in a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot conveniently located on the border.

Virtue Signal News will stream the talks—unless our Netflix region flips first.

Filed under: #GoldenDomeDeal #51stStateSatire #VirtueSignalNews