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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration’s aggressive new birthright citizenship crackdown caused immediate confusion at the White House yesterday after aides discovered that several key Trump allies—including Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Head of the FBI, Kash Patel—had technically landed on the “deportation eligible” list.
The incident reportedly began when a low-level staffer ran the official “Are You American Enough?” software, recently installed on all West Wing computers. Within minutes, the system flagged Rubio, Patel, and 14% of White House personnel for “status review.” Sources say the program’s help window offered only a GIF of the Statue of Liberty facepalming.
“It was supposed to weed out the usual suspects,” explained one senior adviser, “but then the list got weirdly familiar. We even saw Don Jr. sweat for a second.”
Eyewitnesses later reported seeing both Rubio and Patel waiting in line at the D.C. DMV, nervously clutching “Provisional Citizen” folders and brushing up on the Pledge of Allegiance.
Rubio was overheard practicing, “I was born in Miami, I swear!” while Patel live-streamed his “unexpected journey” to his Truth Social followers.
ICE agents on hand were forced to consult a decades-old government genealogy binder labeled “Stuff We Never Thought We’d Need.”
Former President Trump quickly responded on Truth Social:
“If the rules say Marco and Kash go, BAD RULES! Only the best people are Americans. Sad!”
He later issued a new executive order clarifying that “true patriots” may be retroactively reclassified as “Super-Citizens,” provided they have at least three Fox News appearances or a verified “Make America Great Again” tattoo.
By noon, the newly launched “American Enough?” hotline crashed after 50,000 calls in one hour, mostly from cable news anchors worried about their own status.
The White House reassured the public that “citizenship status may be appealed via a hot dog eating contest at the next 4th of July parade.”
Meanwhile, hospitals nationwide began issuing “provisional” birth certificates for all newborns, stamped “pending review.”
“We expect final decisions on 2025 births by 2030,” said a spokesperson for the CDC, “or as soon as the comments section agrees.”
By late afternoon, legal experts urged the Supreme Court to issue a definitive ruling on “who actually counts,” with some suggesting that Trump himself should submit a 23andMe DNA test just “to be safe.”
Chief Justice John Roberts declined to comment but was seen flipping through an old copy of “The Constitution for Dummies.”
At press time, Rubio and Patel were last seen posing for a selfie with a DMV clerk, hoping to earn bonus patriotism points before the next ICE sweep.
