Proudly displaying our moral superiority since last Tuesday!
TrumpChange
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SHENZHEN, CHINA — In response to sweeping new tariffs imposed by the Trump administration, e-commerce giant Temu announced today a bold pivot: a full lineup of DIY (Do-It-Yourself) kits that allow customers to assemble their own products — thus avoiding costly import taxes.
The initiative, branded “Made by You, For You,” promises customers “the same rock-bottom Temu prices they know and love — just with a little more sweat equity.”
“Temu stands committed to providing unbeatable deals,” said a spokesperson during a virtual press event. “By allowing American families to assemble their own shoes, electronics, and small appliances, we empower them to participate directly in the manufacturing process — and pass the savings on to themselves.”
The initial product roll-out includes:
“Children love crafts!” the spokesperson said. “Now they can channel that energy into family economics!“
While many consumers praised the opportunity to “buy a toaster for 85 cents,” critics warned that Temu’s notorious labor practices — previously confined to overseas factories — are now being subtly normalized within the United States.
“We always knew Temu’s ethical standards were… flexible,” said Dr. Elena Park, a labor rights expert. “But launching ‘Tiny Workers’ kits marketed to preschoolers crosses a line — even if they throw in free crayons.”
Faith groups, labor unions, and confused preschool teachers have voiced alarm that America’s thirst for cheap goods has now outsourced the sweatshop directly to suburban basements.
A coalition of children’s rights advocates is reportedly drafting legislation tentatively titled, “No Sweatshops in the Playroom Act.“
Despite the backlash, Temu is sticking to its new vision.
“The American dream has always been about hard work and resourcefulness,” said the company’s CEO. “Now, for the low price of $1.29 plus minor self-exploitation, you too can be part of that dream.”
Early reviews from customers have been mixed.
One mother from Ohio said, “It took us 19 hours to build the sneakers, but at least they only cost $4.99! And now my toddler knows how to operate an industrial sewing machine!”
Patriotism has never been cheaper — or more hands-on.
