ROME — In a move that stunned the Catholic world and confused literally everyone else, former U.S. President Donald Trump issued a formal statement from Mar-a-Lago Friday morning declaring his intention to “purchase the Vatican” following the recent death of Pope Francis.
“They need a strong leader,” Trump told reporters while posing next to a golden crucifix engraved with “TRUMP 2028.” “Frankly, the Vatican has been struggling for years. Very low energy. It’s time we bring in real business experience and tremendous branding.”
Pope Tremendous the First takes the Popemobile upgrade into his own hands.
Trump, who is not Catholic, cited his close relationship with Senator JD Vance, a devout Catholic and recent advocate for Trump’s “Christian National Renewal Agenda,” as evidence that he is “basically halfway to popehood already.”
“JD tells me about the conclave thing, very fancy,” Trump said. “All the cardinals go into a big room, lock the doors, wear robes. I said, wow, sounds like a better version of CPAC.”
Sources say Trump has already sketched out his plans for “Vatican 2.0,” including:
- A rebranding of the Sistine Chapel as the Trump Chapel of Greatness
- A MAGA-red redesign of the papal slippers
- Installing slot machines in St. Peter’s Square to help fund “miracles that pay for themselves”
- A new papal title: “Supreme Spiritual CEO”
CONCLAVE CHAOS
Inside the Vatican, the College of Cardinals was reportedly blindsided by Trump’s offer, which included $1 billion in cash, 3 lifetime memberships to Mar-a-Lago, and “a promise to make incense great again.”
One anonymous cardinal said, “We haven’t even made it to the first round of voting. Now we’ve got a former U.S. president trying to negotiate papal succession like it’s a Florida timeshare.”
Trump also demanded to be added to the list of papabile — potential popes — citing the obscure rule that any baptized male can be elected.
“Technically I qualify,” he said. “And nobody gets more votes than me, believe me. The Holy Spirit? Great guy. Probably voting Trump.”
JD Vance is reportedly in Rome trying to “mediate” between the College of Cardinals and the Trump camp. A leaked memo shows Vance arguing that Trump could unite global Christianity “under one gold-plated tabernacle with incredible golf.”
ROOM OF TEARS REDECORATED
Though normally reserved for newly elected popes, the Vatican’s Room of Tears was temporarily commandeered by Trump staffers to test out robes custom-made in his signature suit-fabric and stitched with rhinestone crosses. Sizes include “MAGA Medium” and “Presidential Fit.”
A prototype white cassock bearing the words “Popa Don” in Gothic gold lettering was briefly flown above St. Peter’s Basilica before Vatican security intervened.
When asked what name he would choose if elected, Trump responded confidently: “Pope Tremendous the First.”
SMOKE SIGNALS AND SURPRISES
The conclave has already faced setbacks, with reports that Trump’s team attempted to rig the chimney smoke system, replacing black and white smoke options with black and a “red, white, and blue” combination.
“We wanted a more patriotic announcement,” said one Trump operative. “White smoke is very weak. USA smoke is strong. Commanding.”
Despite being barred from the Sistine Chapel, Trump has threatened to hold a rival conclave on the steps of St. Peter’s, inviting 12 influencers, 3 cardinals willing to bend the rules, and the MyPillow guy.
Stay tuned for updates — or just look for the giant LED screen being installed above Michelangelo’s Last Judgment. Rumor has it, it’s being rebranded as “Final Ratings.”
