Sources say the order was drafted between a Diet Coke refill and a rant about windmills.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a dramatic ceremony staged entirely for the cameras, former President Donald Trump signed a sweeping new executive order Monday declaring that all “dishonest pollsters” — particularly those employed by the New York Times — must be deported immediately for “election interference and extreme unfairness.”

Seated at his signature oversized desk, Trump wielded a thick black Sharpie to sign the single-page executive order, which reportedly included multiple uses of the phrase “totally illegal polls” and a small doodle of a very muscular bald eagle crying.

At the signing, Trump addressed a handpicked crowd of Truth Social influencers, Fox Nation subscription holders, and several confused Golden Corral patrons who had mistakenly wandered into the event.

“This is a historic moment,” Trump said, holding up the signed document and turning it slowly to face at least seven different cameras. “No other president — maybe Lincoln, maybe — has ever signed an executive order this beautiful, this big, this powerful.”

He then added,

“Pollsters who report fake numbers against me? We have no choice. They’re gone. Just like that. Bada bing, bada deport.”

Sources confirm that the executive order, titled simply “REAL AMERICANS ONLY“, was printed in 72-point font and laminated.

Details of the Executive Order

According to a leaked copy obtained by The Virtue Signal News, the order mandates:

• Immediate deportation proceedings against pollsters whose surveys show Trump below 50% approval.
• Revocation of U.S. citizenship for anyone who designs polls with “rigged questions like ‘Do you think lying is bad?'”
• Replacement of all mainstream polls with surveys conducted exclusively at gun shows, professional wrestling events, and select Cracker Barrel gift shops.

Additionally, all future polling organizations must:

• Swear a loyalty oath to MAGA principles.
• Pass a lie detector test confirming they have never watched MSNBC “without screaming.”
• Display at least three American flags and one golden retriever at their polling stations.

Reactions and Fallout

Reaction among political observers was swift.

“This is obviously unconstitutional, deeply disturbing, and somehow… less surprising than it should be,” said one legal scholar, speaking while nervously refreshing his Canadian visa application.

The New York Times Polling Department issued a statement saying:

“We plan to continue conducting our surveys according to the highest standards of statistical accuracy and journalistic ethics, until such time as we are forcibly loaded onto a government bus and relocated to an undisclosed location.”

Meanwhile, Trump campaign officials hailed the move as a “bold first step” toward restoring “statistical integrity” and “emotional support for the President.”

Following the pollster deportation order, Trump reportedly signed several additional executive orders, including:

• The Freedom Fries Reclamation Act: Renaming all French fries “Trump Taters.”
• The National Beard Mandate: Requiring all male citizens over 18 to maintain “a strong, masculine chin display.”
• The Absolute Truth Act: Mandating that Mar-a-Lago be recognized as an official National Shrine.

Witnesses say Trump then signed an additional napkin, a ketchup bottle, and one campaign donor’s forehead before exiting to the song “Proud to Be an American,” played on loop.

The Virtue Signal News will continue to follow this developing story — unless we too are deported for asking too many questions

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