WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move of profound spiritual and fiscal significance, House Republicans today announced the centerpiece of their “big beautiful bill”: the new “Trump Covenant Account” program. This divinely inspired initiative will bestow upon every American newborn a sacred $1,000 savings bond, along with a lifetime subscription to unwavering loyalty.

Originally conceived as the “Money Account for Growth and Advancement” (MAGA), party elders, after what sources describe as “intense prayer and focus grouping,” received the “wisdom” to rebrand the program directly in honor of their most revered leader.

“It’s more than just a savings plan; it’s a sacred trust, a ‘Trump Trust,’ if you will,” explained fictional GOP spiritual advisor, Pastor Bucky Creflo-Graham, during a hastily convened press conference in a Capitol broom closet. “The initial MAGA acronym, while blessed, was merely a signpost. The wisdom, as revealed to visionaries like Representative Morgan Griffith, was to lead the lambs directly to the shepherd’s name. It’s about starting these precious souls on the righteous path from their very first dollar.”

The “Trump Covenant Account” comes with a full spiritual starter pack. Upon enrollment, each infant will receive:

• A gold-leaf embossed “Certificate of Financial Fealty,” suitable for framing above the changing table.
• Assignment to dedicated “GOP Godparents” (chosen by local party chairs) who will pledge to nurture the child in the tenets of Trumpism and sound investment strategies.
• A vial of water from the reflecting pool at Mar-a-Lago (for ceremonial anointing, not consumption).
• A lullaby playlist featuring Trump’s greatest rally speeches set to soothing spa music.

Critics on social media, who have called the plan “gross”, “incredibly creepy”, and “definitely not a cult”, are, according to Pastor Creflo-Graham, “simply blinded by their lack of fiscal faith and profound jealousy.”

“They say it’s creepy; we say it’s covenant. They say it’s worship; we say it’s wise wealth management under a proven name,” Creflo-Graham elaborated, adjusting his “WWTD?” (What Would Trump Do?) bracelet. “Some even had the audacity to suggest ‘Grift Account for Future Cultists’ would be more accurate. Blasphemy! This is about ensuring these babies don’t make the mistake of investing their futures, or their parents’ tax dollars, in ‘woke’ index funds or, heaven forbid, literacy.”

While Democrats have grumbled that the core idea of “Baby Bonds” was originally theirs, Republicans counter that their version has been “sanctified and made solvent” by the Trump branding. “The Democrats wanted to give babies money,” added Creflo-Graham. “We want to give them a purpose… and a pre-loaded account that tacitly acknowledges their leader-for-life.”

As House Republicans work to push the “big beautiful bill” through Congress, the “Trump Covenant Account” is being hailed as its most sacred and essential provision. The hope is that with this early financial and spiritual guidance, America’s future generations will learn that the best investment is always in a name you can trust—and one that looks fantastic in gold lettering on the side of a building, or a savings bond.