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WASHINGTON, DC –The internet is in chaos after former FBI Director James Comey posted a now-deleted photo of seashells spelling out “8647” on a windswept Delaware beach. Was it a harmless snapshot? Or the most diabolical coded message since the last time your aunt posted a minion meme with a QAnon hashtag?
As America’s only trusted source for shell-based conspiracies, Virtue Signal News investigates every possible interpretation. Here are the top theories—some more plausible than others—behind Comey’s not-at-all suspicious shell arrangement:
According to Twitter cryptographers with at least three burner accounts, the sequence “8647” is a direct order for Deep State sleeper agents to… order the fish and chips at Rehoboth Beach.
“The shells were clearly pointing north,” one retired Reddit moderator explains. “If you rearrange them and multiply by the number of vowels in ‘Comey,’ you get the launch codes for Joe Biden’s secret ice cream bunker.”
Hospitality experts on cable news were quick to remind the public that “86” simply means “not available” or “to remove” in restaurant lingo, while “47” is the number of times Comey has walked along that same beach regretting his Twitter password.
Bonus theory: Every shell actually represents a customer ejected from Mar-a-Lago’s breakfast buffet.
“Numbers have power,” claims Dr. Tamara Mercury, professor of Astro-Forensic Studies at DeVry Online. “Eight means infinity, six is for harmony, four is structure, and seven is… I don’t know, but it’s probably bad for Trump.”
Some numerologists insist 8647 is a message to the mer-people, urging them to rise up and take New Jersey.
Homeland Security officials immediately opened a full-scale investigation, deploying their elite Shell Analysis Task Force (SATF) to comb the coastline for suspicious clam patterns and rogue starfish.
Secretary Noem posted, “No shell is above the law.” The FBI has since confiscated all math textbooks, abacuses, and number-themed novelty towels from Delaware beaches “until further notice.”
Insiders allege Comey was simply trying to boost sales of “8647” seashell merchandise, now available as T-shirts, hats, and scented candles on Etsy, Amazon, and the parking lot behind a local Cracker Barrel.
Early reviews include:
According to conspiracy TikTokers, Comey’s shells were positioned at the precise angle to summon a shadowy cabal of advanced-math crabs, who will “86” all the numbers below 47 from America’s coastline. This is currently unverified, but there are rumors of suspicious crab movements near the Delaware border.
Former President Trump, broadcasting live from his gold-plated dune buggy, decried the incident:
“When I was president, beaches were safe, sand was clean, and nobody made secret shell codes. Very unfair. Very dishonest shells. We had only the best, most patriotic conchs. Sad!”
Meanwhile, a rival “7777” shell collection has appeared outside Mar-a-Lago, though it is rumored to just be golf balls with Sharpie numbers.
Comey issued a follow-up statement clarifying, “I didn’t realize some folks associated those numbers with violence. It never occurred to me but I oppose violence of any kind, especially shellfish-related.”
He concluded, “I will only post photos of driftwood and non-numerical seaweed formations from now on.”
Whether it’s a secret plot, a numerology mishap, a TikTok challenge, or just the latest volley in America’s battle with basic math, one thing is clear: It’s a dangerous time to be a seashell on a U.S. beach.
Stay tuned to Virtue Signal News for updates as this story continues to spiral out of control.
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