After illegally deporting a U.S. resident, the Trump administration claims there’s simply nothing they can do to get him back — despite having previously declared the power to annex Canada, bend NATO to its will, and force Disney to rehire Gina Carano.

“President Donald Trump meets with El Salvador’s President Nayib Bukele at the White House.”​

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise Oval Office meeting livestreamed on X (formerly known as Twitter), President Donald J. Trump sat alongside El Salvador’s President Nayib Bukele and declared that efforts to return deportee Kilmar Abrego Garcia had tragically failed after the administration’s most powerful diplomatic tool — asking nicely — was ignored.

“We said ‘pretty please,’ okay?” Trump told reporters. “We were extremely polite. Maybe the most polite in history.”

Kilmar Abrego Garcia, who was deported without charges, a hearing, or even a napkin-wrapped sandwich, has been deemed legally exiled by Trump’s newly adopted foreign policy doctrine: Ghost Diplomacy — in which requests for justice are considered fulfilled the moment a WhatsApp message is left on read.

The president’s declaration of powerlessness marked a jarring shift for an administration that just last month claimed authority to seize Greenland, evict Canada from NAFTA, and declare McDonald’s the official dietary standard of liberty.

But when it comes to Abrego Garcia — a legal U.S. resident, father of three, and apparent victim of bureaucratic kidnapping — Trump insisted the matter was simply out of his hands.

“You don’t understand,” Trump explained. “Bukele didn’t even favorite our DM. It’s like, what are we supposed to do? Invade?”

When asked why the U.S. couldn’t simply demand his return, given billions in leverage, military partnership, and the existence of an extradition treaty, Trump responded,

“You can’t just boss people around. That would be, like, tyranny or something. Look it up.”

The Administration’s New Foreign Affairs Playbook:

Step 1: Illegally deport someone
Step 2: Declare that you “don’t control El Salvador”
Step 3: Submit a YouTube link as legal testimony
Step 4: Smirk at the Constitution and walk away

At the same meeting, Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller announced that the Supreme Court had ruled “9–0 in our favor,” citing a livestream and his gut.

Legal scholars, reporters, and presumably the actual Supreme Court immediately clarified that this was not true.

“That’s not just a lie,” said constitutional law expert Eliza Roth, “That’s like if someone watched Finding Nemo and claimed to be a marine biologist.” Legal analysts across the spectrum have called the incident a blatant abuse of power, with one federal judge labeling it “wholly lawless” and “in defiance of both U.S. and international law.”

But inside the Oval Office, laughter erupted after Trump told Bukele, “You gotta build about five more places,” referring to the need to make room for more “homegrown criminals.”

“I guess irony doesn’t exist at that altitude,” one diplomat whispered, watching J.D. Vance chuckle into his Freedom Fries.

Despite a Supreme Court ruling ordering Abrego Garcia’s return, the administration insists its hands are tied.
Because as Trump’s newly coined Doctrine of Convenient Power goes:

“When I want to, I can move nations. When I don’t, I can’t even place a phone call.”